


Give Me A Reason

by 324b21cormier



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, Suicide Attempt, cophine - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 12:44:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4305567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/324b21cormier/pseuds/324b21cormier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Delphine was the one that tried to kill herself at boarding school?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Memories

The words of her classmates had always cut Delphine, but these cuts on her arms did not hurt as bad. They were thin and red and long. They stretched along her arm. She hoped they were deep enough as the scarlet flowed out of her body. The blood streamed into the water of her boarding school’s bathtub, turning it red with blood,  _her blood._

The last thing she heard was screaming. Unconsciousness enveloped her. She saw black, and she let go.

* * *

 

Bright light flooded her senses. Delphine opened her eyes to the hospital room around her. She sighed and tried not to think bitterly about the fact that she could not even kill herself right. She was that much of a failure. Her parents sat at opposite sides of her bed. Her mother sobbed into her palms.

“ _Mon petite Chou_?” her mother's voice rang out. Delphine reached out to touch her mother, and she saw the bandages along her arms. With the gruesome sight invading her vision, she burst into tears.

“ _Mon petite Chou,_ please don’t cry. We love you and care about you, that’s why we will be bringing you home for a little bit. The school has excused you for 3 weeks.” Her mother's voice and words soothed her. She relaxed and fell asleep.

Her ride home from the hospital was bitter. The French countryside blurred by in a mass of green. The colors were so vibrant and so alive. She knew that rides to and from the city had always calmed her when she was young, but not today. The colors drew her attention out of the car. All she wanted was to jump out of the silent vehicle and run as far away as possible. She was so caught up in her thoughts that when her mother called out her name she did not hear her.

"Delphine? Delphine?"

Her mother’s voice slammed her back into the car and the reality of her life at the moment.

“I said, what do you want to eat when we get home,” Her mother stared at her, concern knit into her face.

“I think I want some Crepes. And I want to help make them.” She smiled back at her mother and he mother nodded.

Whenever they made Crepes together, they always talked about problems that bothered them. They were very close. It was always very therapeutic to Delphine’s young soul.

The car pulled into a driveway connected to a country home. It was blue, like the sky and had many windows. The front porch had a wooden swing and Delphine smiled when she saw it. Many childhood sunrises and sunsets had been spent on that swing. The white paint was chipped and peeling, giving away its age.

As soon as the car came to a stop and was shut off, Delphine bounced out of the car. She bounded towards the swing. When she sat on the swing, the old metal of the supports creaked with her weight. She felt the cracking paint stick to her thighs. The wood, warm from the sun, soothed her. The warm breeze picked up her hair. Not only that, but it blew away her cares. She felt calm and everything made sense. It was ridiculous. How on earth could a simple breeze and feeling of warmth solve so many of her issues? Without her classmates, for three whole weeks, she could begin to sort through her emotions, a little bit at least. There would be no one calling her unholy and unnatural. With luck, her parents would accept her requests to move back home and start going to the local school. Catholic school was not for her and it may have seemed like the best bet at the beginning of the school year, but now, it seemed like the farthest thing from a good idea. She was empty and drained. Not to mention that all of her friends had left her when she dropped the bombshell that she would no longer be going to school with them.

They had stared at her, and asked her why. It was right on the very porch where she was sitting. Denim overalls and black nail polish adorned her body. Under the overalls, she had on a white and grey striped t-shirt. She had told her friends that she was looking to challenge herself and that the school was the best in France. They accepted this with tight lips. None of them brought up the elephant in the room- that she was not even catholic.

Slowly her friends stopped calling, stopped coming over and just stopped talking to her in general. When she was upset by this, _Maman_ had said that starting the new school would be the prefect time to start over, the last two years of her high school career. She had thought it would be. She’d started school and everything went well at first. The first mass was what cemented her status as a freak. During mass, she did not known any of the prayers that they were supposed to say. Halfway through, having gown more and more frustrated as time ticked by, she rose from the pew and called out loudly, “This is bullshit.” Every head in the sanctuary swiveled towards her. Hundreds of pairs of eyes stared at her, wide and surprised. All noise ceased and everyone watched as she left. As soon as she was through the door, she heard a cacophony of voices swell behind her. She ran back to the dorm room and sat on her bunk. She was alone and she had made a fool of herself.

The only reason she had gone to mass was to make friends and try to fit in. It had been going well, that was until she opened her mouth. When mass ended and everyone came back to the dorms, many of the girls whispered and laughed at her. She was utterly alone. It wasn’t that she didn’t believe in God, it was just that to her, God seemed more fluid; he would not be rigid and uptight. God would be accepting, he would be in awe of his creation. His love would show in all that he did and everything about him. God would always be there.

Her interest in science in contrast to religion was something that drove her classmates away. During the Christmas break, her parents gave her a copy of Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. She loved it. She received many books and new notebooks for school. Everything was great. She went back to school, high on her parents’ love. School did not seem as daunting.

When she got back, she was immediately reminded of why she was so eager to leave. The loneliness of the school, with its lonely architecture and cavernous rooms, reminded her of how cold everyone was. When she was in the library studying, she could hear people whispering about her. She did not mind the whispering but when people began to taunt her, she could not stand it. She had no friends. She was alone and she was empty. She knew that her parents would not be happy with her leaving the school so abruptly, especially in the middle of the year. She felt trapped and she knew that she only had one way out.

 Although in theory she had plenty of ways out, all of them seemed so heavy, the idea of all of them crushed her like the weight of the ocean. Everything was heavy. She made up her mind. She picked the time of Sunday mass. She waited until everyone was out and in the service. 

When it was time, she filled up the tub with water so hot it burned. She took apart her razor for a single blade and got into the water. For a moment, she had second thoughts, knowing that if this worked out, it would be permanent. There was no second chance. There was no redo. If she succeeded, she would be gone. There would be no one from school who cared and her parents would be devastated. But, still she brought the sharp blade to her skin and sliced.


	2. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delphine makes crepes.

After being so deep in her thoughts, Delphine fell asleep. When she woke up, it was beginning to get dark. The sky was mix of electric blue and black outlines of trees. She went inside, only to find her mother sitting in front of the TV.

" _Maman?_  Are we going to make the Crepes," Delphine asked.

" _Oui_ , just give me a second." 

Delphine's mother rose to her feet. They approached the kitchen and Delphine realized that her mother had already set out all the ingredients. She smiled, realizing that her mother knew that was her least favorite part.

The kitchen, in keeping with the exterior of the house, had blue walls. The cabinets were white. Although filled with modern gadgets and plenty of food, the kitchen was not cluttered. It smelled like sweets and it filled Delphine with a mix of hope, yearning and happiness. She felt the corners of her moth turn up into a smile.

Delphine sat on a her favored stool, waiting for her mother to need her help. It didn’t take long.

“Delphine, hand me the bowl with the flour.”

_Maman_ was pointing towards a general area of the kitchen, still she knew the exact bowl she meant. It was Delphine’s favorite bowl. It had ornate decorations in yellow. She smiled just looking at it. She picked up the bowl and brought it to her mother’s side.

“Also, while you’re up, do you think you could start heating the skillet,” her _Maman_ ’s small frame whisked the batter furiously.

Delphine turned to the stove. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her mother grab a small container of brown powder. She could not identify it, but as soon as _Maman_ caught her staring, she moved her body between Delphine and the bowl. Delphine squinted and then smiled as she recognized that it was Maman’s special ingredient.

“ _Maman_ , you and I both know this is a great time for me to learn you secret ingredient. When are you going to tell me,” Delphine’s voice was small and pleading.

“When are you going to tell me why,” her mother whispered just loudly enough for Delphine to hear. Delphine didn’t even have to look at her to know that she was choking back tears.

Delphine was knocked off her guard. She didn’t know how to respond. The tension in the kitchen thickened suddenly.

“ _Maman_ , can we not do this now,” she said, leaning against a wall of cabinets.  She knew that if they talked about _it_ she would start crying, then her mother would start crying and that would be bad. They both knew this unspoken fact.

“My secret ingredient is a pinch of cinnamon. I add it just before I cook them,” _maman_ said, sighing.

Delphine realized that she was trying to open up, and not let their issues get in the way of their relationship. She sighed heavily. She prepared herself to let down her walls. She took each one down brick by brick. She began telling her mother everything, how the school year had been an utter failure. By the end of her story, her mother was crying.

“Delphine, I’m so sorry. Your father and I just wanted you to have a great school year. That was where you said you wanted to go and we wanted you to be happy.”

“ _Maman_ , I don’t blame you, I blame myself. I blame myself for going there. I blame myself for never being able to stay quiet. And I blame myself for-“

Before she could get another word out, _maman_ had stopped pouring the batter. She was hugging Delphine and crying. Delphine hugged her back and cried into her shoulder.

_Maman_ spoke. He voice was weak.

“They told me you were gone. They said if you didn’t have a blood transfusion you would have died. Delphine. I saw you in the hospital and your were so pale. I thought I had lost you. You could have slipped away from me like breath of air. Delphine, I can’t lose you. You mean more than anything to me. Delphine, please tell me what you need.”

Delphine was silent for a moment. Tears rolled down her cheeks. They trailed over her face like a river.

“I need time with people that love me. I need you. I need dad. I need this,” she gestured to the kitchen. The smell of crepes burning interrupted their heartfelt moment.

Delphine ran to the stove and attempted to pull it out. It was a complete loss, the entire surface black and dry.

As she tossed it into the garbage she heard her mother whisper, “I love you, Delphine.”

Delphine forgot about the crepes for a moment. Nothing mattered to her except her mother.

“I love you, too, _Maman_.”

* * *

 

The rest of the crepes turned out perfectly. Their velvety surface was a welcome addition to her mouth. Delphine felt every bite move through her mouth to her esophagus and finally into her belly, radiating warmth through her muscles and sore body. Now that she knew Maman’s secret ingredient, she was amazed that she’d never figured it out before. They had the sweetness and warmth of cinnamon. They were just what Delphine needed at the moment. Each bite filled her with strength. In that moment, she felt truly full of love and light and happiness. She knew that her mother would always be cheering for her.

“ _Maman_ , I don’t think I can go back to school. Even after the three weeks.”

Delphine looked at her mother. Her mother looked back at her and nodded solemnly.

“I also think it would be unwise to send you back. However, you only have a little bit left. What if I make you a deal?”

Delphine began fidgeting in her seat. She sighed heavily. “Go on.”

“If you go through the rest of this year, I’ll let you sleep on the porch every day over the summer. Plus, I’ll teach you the names of all the constellations that I know.”

Delphine felt her most genuine smile grace her lips.

“Deal.”


End file.
